It has been very cold and gloomy here over the past several days. I simply can't believe it's mid- March and we still have temperatures in the 40s! I am definitely ready for springtime. However, I do love the mountains and for some reason, the crisp, cold air and rain reminds me of the mountains...and some bluegrass music definitely makes me think about the mountains. So in the midst of hope being deferred, I ran across this song by Alison Krauss the other day and absolutely love it. The lyrics articulate my heart perfectly.
"Jesus Help Me To Stand"
Through trials, troubles and care
I know Jesus my savior is there
Giving me faith through darkest days
Keeping me on the narrow way
Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of Your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand
Jesus lived through darkest pain
Rejected by men, despising the shame
Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief
He gave his life so we may be free
Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of Your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand
I know that Jesus died for me
Cancelled my debt at Calvary
Rose from the dead, unlocked Heaven's door
Trust in his love and live evermore
Jesus savior, help me each day
Fill me with hope, fill me with faith
Darkness retreats at the touch of Your hand
Jesus savior, help me to stand
So here we are at the beginning of
another month. On Friday, November 1st, we got our monthly update
that we had moved one spot in the month of October. Honestly, it’s what we were
expecting…and even though it was somewhat deflating after hopes of lots of
movement, we accepted the update with thanksgiving and continued hope.
{Rewind four days}
Sunday night while
driving home from Charlotte, I felt anxiety in my spirit building. Anxiety that
I could not even fully articulate what it was about. I was praying through my
thoughts with the Lord and asking for His presence to be ever near. When Monday
arrived, I woke to an array of errands, and the anxiety and feeling of
depression loomed in the background – but I just pushed it back and attempted
to compartmentalize life in order to complete the tasks at hand.
Come Tuesday morning, I
could no longer ignore my thoughts and feelings – I felt depressed,
disheartened, and anxious. Every task became a chore and nothing fully
distracted me from the feelings and thoughts that plagued me. It was a physical
feeling of deep sadness. My thoughts mainly consisted of feeling as though our
journey of adoption was “less than”, “not good enough”, and that “we were
missing out” on the journey and experience of biological children. [LIES from
SATAN]. I think I was also dreading approaching the end of the month and
receiving another update of no movement. I knew in my head, these thoughts were
NOT of God, but I couldn’t shake them. I prayed to God and read His word, but
nothing comforted me or brought me peace.Late on Tuesday night I was driving to see a patient and like usual, I
had my worship music playing, but I couldn’t even bring myself to sing – my
spirit felt that burdened with anxiety and sadness. My thoughts strayed to the
accusation that maybe my emotions weren’t related to our adoption, but rather
lack of sleep and looking death and grief in the face so many times lately –
literally, in less than a three weeks time, I had attended seven deaths of
patients (a few of them being deaths characterized with difficult symptoms to
manage) and comforted grieving families. Now granted, I’m sure my physical and
mental exhaustion of my profession had some influence on my spiritual and
emotional state – but that was not the culprit of the problem – Satan was.
Wednesday came with no
relief. I trudged on through the daily tasks. I went to dinner with Jeremy, my
sister, and bro-in-law and shared my exhaustion amongst the waiting of
adoption. Everyone in good motive was brainstorming what would help me lift me
out of my funk – maybe a weekend away, maybe a Broadway show, or simply apiece of free Pie from O’Charley’s since it
was Wednesday (at least that was what Jeremy was hoping would do it). But I
knew nothing would fix "the problem". I was just waiting expectantly
to be lifted from the fog. I was lost at why this spirit of depression and
anxiety was lingering for so long. Why wasn’t God lifting me out of this pit? I
couldn’t shake it! And let me tell you, I am a person who is prideful –
prideful about my emotional strength, resilience, and stoic reserve. [And
honestly, I'm sharing all of this in hopes to first, give God the glory and
credit, secondly, to encourage others in the midst of spiritual warfare, and
thirdly, as an account for me to remember how faithful God was to me in the
storm.]
Come early Thursday
morning, I was called to patient who was close to death. It was around 4:30 am
when I left to be with the patient. Upon cranking my car and heading down the
road, Dr. Charles Stanley happened to be on the radio talking about the power
of Satan. I turned it up… He spoke about how Satan is our enemy and an absolute
LIAR, and how he “prowls around like a roaring lion looking
for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Dr. Stanley continued by encouraging that
we must be alert and sober minded. He expanded on how to resist him and to
stand firm in the faith (See 1 Peter 5: 8-9). He discussed how as believers the
Holy Spirit resides within us and is more powerful, and has actually already overcome
(1 John 4:4), Satan’s lies, deceit, and discouragement.Dr. Stanley furthermore discussed how there
is power in speaking out loud against Satan’s holds on our lives.
(It's
a 2-part series that aired October 30th and 31st - I heard Part 2 on the 31st)
Well…some
of you may already know where this going… a revival began within the four doors
of my car while driving down the interstate in the wee hours of the morning. I
began to rebuke and denounce Satan’s lies over my life. I started claiming
God’s truths and promises out-loud – proclaiming His victory at the cross and
my trust in His sovereignty over my life. Immediately, I began to feel Satan’s
spirit of oppression and anxiety lift - I finally felt free. God had sustained
me, he had never left me and as I look back over the week, God’s presence
was very evident (next blog post).
For this life here on earth, the
battle will continue - but what peace to know that ultimately the battle has
already been won! No matter what this life brings, we will rest in knowing who
goes before us.
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never
leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
I
love this definition of patience! It was sent to me by a friend (another
waiting adoptive mama) today.
I
was also blessed to hear from another dear friend/mentor on Thursday (all the
way from M-iss-iss-ipp-i), who affirmed that the wait can sometimes seem as
slow as "watching grass grow".
To
all our friends and family who seek to encourage us, ask about, and partner
with us along this journey - THANK YOU - we are enduring the wait well, because
1.) God is sustaining us and 2.) there are many of you who help spur us along!
And
especially for the women in my life who are "bearing down"
with me in this season of life - please go and read this blog post by a
friend/bible study teacher who I had the privilege of learning from and being
encouraged by when I lived out in Arkansas (and still am - learning and being
encouraged by her - even 800 miles away).
Many
thanks to my "Mid-Wives to Hope"! I am eternally
grateful for your encouragement and love along this journey of adoption, but
even more so, through the daily walk of life, while in pursuit of knowing our
Hope, Jesus Christ, more each day.
